all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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