I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
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My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
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you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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