She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
