Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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