If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
