Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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