Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
