I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I am available for nakedness
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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