Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The uberlube is also flammable
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
