3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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