Swine flu. Run for my life!
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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