True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
