I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
