The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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