i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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