I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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