I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Dick very happy bro
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
