Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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