The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
