I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
