It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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