wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
