We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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