First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
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