i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Sext me about skeletons
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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