oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Couch. On fire.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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