dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
