Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
