I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
