im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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