He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
