we have officially lost it.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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