wrigley field is MILF paradise
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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