Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I checked into jail on foursquare
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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