i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
