I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
