You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
