Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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