I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
