Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
