Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
