you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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