There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
