hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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