I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
