Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
