dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Sext me about skeletons
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
