you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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