he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
