when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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