and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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