At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
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Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
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OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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