im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
did i walk over a car last night?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
