I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
if only i could text you this smell
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
