Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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