how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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